A friend tells me her daughter's school now accepts internet references in lieu of having to slog through stacks of actual books the way I did when I was pretending to learn.  Which, given the ongoing factual errors on Wikipedia and the tsunami of often ill-informed consumer-generated content available online, made me wonder whether kids today are better or worse informed as a result of the interweb.

Any hack with an Internet connection, a bit of malicious creativity and a talent for search engine optimization could lead a generation of students to submit essays claiming the earth is flat, the sun revolves around the earth, or that Keanu Reeves is a talented actor (as in, According to Brand Canada Blog, "Keanu Reeves is a talented actor" (ref: cblog.brandcanadablog.com, May 10, 2007)).

As a service to future generations, I offer the following crib notes on tortoises, researched while enjoying a few Mojitos at the Fairmont Miramar in Santa Monica, California, complete with references in the form of hyperlinks.

An Introduction to Turtles

It's not easy being a tortoise.  Shy and reclusive, the average turtle bears little resemblance to the highly approachable candy of the same name.  Live turtles tend to last longer at a party and are not put on sale after Easter.

Nor are they made of chewy chocolate, caramel and nougat, which were bred out of them countless millenia ago owing to their tendency to melt in hot weather.  Thus, Nestle's claim of offering the "Original Turtles."  But I digress.



Slow moving and ponderous (as opposed to pond-dwelling, which they are as well, but we'll get to that in a moment), the routine tasks of preparing a meal and cleaning up a bit can occupy an entire day.  Never get out of the house, really.

Clumsy on land, the turtle is a comparative Ian Thorpe in water.  Momentarily freed from the bounds of gravity and friction, the bouyant turtle swims like a prehistoric candy dish relieved of its licorice allsorts and with its tail still intact which, if it were a candy dish, would have been chipped off long ago by sugar-propelled children running in the living room when they've been specifically told not to a thousand times and what are you, deaf?

According to noted author Paulette Bourgeois, turtles favour bicycle riding and book reading  in their spare time, when not socializing with owls.

Observed in their natural habitat (primarily hotel Koi ponds), turtles are a study in contemporary evolution.  Peacefully co-existing with flora, fauna, and the entire Flora-Fauna wedding party (though what's up with cousin Sally and her biker boyfriend?), turtles play a highly competitive shell game for supremacy among their own set.

Prized for their wax, turtles can lay in the hottest sun for hours without losing their showroom shine.


... and to think of the hours I wasted in the library.






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